Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Joke’

Old Cowboy


An old prospector shuffled into the town of   El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to  clear his parched throat.  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,   “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?” The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

  • Never be arrogant.
  • Don’t waste ammunition.
  • Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
  • Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
  • Don’t mess with old men, they didn’t get old by being stupid .

Read Full Post »

Naked Girl Telling Joke


Read Full Post »

Redneck Humor


MISSISSIPPI

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’

ALABAMA

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.

‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘ Tough call,’ nodded the hunter ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’

SOUTH CAROLINA

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumping it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

LOUISIANA

A senior at LSU was overheard saying, ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

KENTUCKY

The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

GEORGIA

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got anyI. D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

NORTH CAROLINA

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

HEY – You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

Read Full Post »

The Mule


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

Read Full Post »


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large gunny sacks, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the sacks, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of one of those bags…”

“Dang!” says the little old lady .. “I’d better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the “heads up”, Officer!”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money in the first place? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, heavens no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the local football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big ol’ hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his “thingie” through the bushes, I grab hold and yell: ‘$20 or off it comes!'”

“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck! By the way, what’s in that other sack?”

“Well”, says the little old lady, “…..Not all of them pay.”

Read Full Post »

The Mailmans Last Day


It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“…All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “……but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day …and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?” He said, ” ….Screw him …….give him a dollar.”

The blonde then blushed and said, “….But the breakfast was my idea”.

Read Full Post »